What if there were actually truth in advertising?

How would TV networks identify themselves? If they were being honest with viewers, here’s what their names, slogans, and mission statements might say.

The Learning Carnival

Step right up

Are you excited about multiple births? Are you enchanted by people who love to breed and build towns filled with their offspring? Do you have a taste for the Amish, or for short people? We’re here for you. We’ll fascinate you, freak you out, and make you feel superior to the people you’re watching. Come for “My Five Wives,’’ stay for “Sex Sent Me to the ER.’’ And as for the Gosselins, you’re welcome.

Cherished By Seniors

Creative ambition: It isn’t our thing

We’ve never met a procedural we didn’t want to milk for cash and expand into a franchise. If we can find a way to keep “CSI’’ and “NCIS’’ alive through the end of the 21st century, we will. Memo to the world: We’re sorry for the cheap comic bombast that is “2 Broke Girls,’’ but we refuse to cancel it until you stop watching.

Clickbait News Network

We’ve got time to fill!

When something happens in the world, we’re all over it — and over it, and over it. So much so that after a day or two you may be totally over us. During the 24-hour news cycle, we repeat facts and news clips, jump on rumors, suck you in with bogus urgency, and junk up your screen with as many tickers as possible. Got charts? Oh yes we do.

Playing British Stuff

Our brand is identity crisis

Our sharp documentary series are timely, speaking to right now; our period dramas are fancy antiques roadshows, portraits of the past. But who are we? Who, who, who, who? Our characters have British accents, so you know we’re smart, but we still haven’t figured out how all our product fits together under a single banner. We’re the equivalent of a random shuffle. Where have you gone “Downton Abbey’’? Our stations turn their lonely eyes to you.

SCREEDTV

For what Ailes America

We look rather scary in HD. But that’s OK, because we like to foster fear. If you’re not scared about this country, if you don’t blame everything on President Obama and obsess over Benghazi, if you don’t think Michelle Obama is fat, then you’re a liberal leftie commie freak AND a Democrat. We like to come off like a political attack ad, even though we’re journalists, really we are.

Nuthin’ But Chicago

We totally own the Windy City

We used to be the king of comedy, but then we forgot how to be funny. We also took a deep dive in the reality TV pit, with the likes of “Caught on Camera,’’ “American Ninja Warrior,’’ and “The Biggest Loser.’’ So thank you, Dick Wolf, for keeping us afloat with your middling, formulaic, disaster-a-week procedurals and their manipulative crossover episodes. Next season: “Chicago Justice.’’ The year after: “Chicago Sewage’’?

House Greed TV

We’ll channel your lust

Hey baby, wanna check out my smooth quartz countertops and hardwood floors? Whether you like big houses or small ones, turned legs or pullout drawers, we’ll hunt them down for you. You’ve got a case of the gimmes, and we’ll show you what you want. We’ve also got Fixer Uppers and Good Bones, for the addicts in our audience. The future is a post-and-beam estate with custom shelving, a kitchen island, and tons of stainless steel appliances.

LGBTQATV

Calling All Graces and Their Favorite Wills

We know you aspire to be rich, trendy, and generally fabulous. We know you want to be a person who needs “people,’’ who hungers to show off your bony sternum, who prefers your men manscaped and manicured. We know you like drama, especially when it erupts at benefit galas and garden parties. So we specialize in minting wealthy stars with Barbie and Ken faces who speak in catch phrases and fight like tigers. Tax the rich? OMG no.

EMP-TV

Music Don’t Bring Ratings

Music is so 1980s, don’t you think? We wish we weren’t stuck with that lousy “M.’’ We’re still desperate to find out what’s hot and cool right now, still lost after the magnificent “Jersey Shore’’ and the marvelous “My Super Sweet 16,’’ both soul-nourishing programs for young Americans. If we can foster anomie, maybe more depressed kids will isolate at home and watch us. Maybe if we co-opt the Internet with “Ridiculousness’’ and “Catfish,’’ they will come. Please “Teen Mom,’’ raise us back to glory.

HBNO

Where Quality-ish TV Thrives

We’re not just the masters of sex, you know. With “Ray Donovan,’’ “Billions,’’ and “Homeland,’’ we deliver series that are almost-almost-almost great, and always addictive. We pump up the action, as well as Liev Schreiber’s muscles, and we double the ante when it comes to our heroes and heroines. We don’t really concern ourselves with the nitty-gritty of plot logic; we don’t want to be all thinky like HBO. We’re focused on moody fun, we’re willing to run a reality series about gigolos, and, OK, we’re the masters of sex. The racy is on.

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Matthew Gilbert can be reached at gilbert@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewGilbert.