NEVER REMEMBER

Before any of you forget to remember never to ever forget, I’d like to use this first blurb as a moment of silence to remember the [consults notes] several victims of the Bowling Green Massacre, cruelly taken from [consults notes] Bowling Green by unknown and also nonexistent terrorists; and even more cruelly brought to Bowling Green in the first place by the wild imagination of White House counselor and broom you’re just not sure how to throw away Kellyanne Conway. I hope you were silent while reading this. Keep going. Just a little more silence . . . and . . . we’re clear.

BULLY PULPIT

Kristen Stewart may have kicked off her debut “Saturday Night Live’’ hosting gig with a brief f-bombing campaign, but it was surprise guest Melissa McCarthy as fuming White House press secretary Sean Spicer who blew the place up. With precision-crafted fire, brimstone, chewing gum, and spittle (plus a hairline that looks like it’s attempting to escape the head — nailed it) McCarthy’s Spicer was a fireball of unrighteous fury. Had I my druthers, a different actress would handle Spicer duties each week. (Julianne Moore, this is me begging.)

SERIOUS IMPLICATIONS

I’m thrilled to announce the winner of the 2017 “Is This Dress Blue and Black or White and Gold?!’’ award for ambiguous achievement goes to (drum roll): “Was Lady Gaga’s Super Bowl Performance Political or Not?!’’ While New Englanders celebrated the Patriots’ victory over the Falcons (the game that ruined a thousand sofas), a vast sub-strata of gay men and desperate columnists agonized to tease out the political subtleties (or unsubtle lack thereof) at work in Gaga’s halftime show. Among the swiftly registered opinions: It was. It absolutely was. It wasn’t. It absolutely wasn’t. It was but it wasn’t. One thing remains clear — actually, no, scratch that.

CLASS DISMISSED

The Department of Education announced it would immediately replace grading on a curve with grading on a downward spiral on Tuesday with the confirmation of education secretary/anti-grizzly activist Betsy DeVos. The 51-50 vote sent shockwaves (or, more precisely, slowly building groan-waves) across the Internet, even inspiring a rolling eulogy in the form of #ThanksPublicEd. And just like that, no one ever read “The Chocolate War’’ ever again.

MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR

Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at mbrodeur@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.