Q.My boyfriend of five years — the love of my life — broke up with me a month ago. While I was initially shocked (as there was no major fight or disagreement to precipitate the breakup), I now realize that it was not completely unexpected. We had met very early in our careers in Boston, when we were both fresh out of college, and grew together for most of our relationship. However, two years ago, an exciting career opportunity came up for me in New York City and I couldn’t resist. So for the past two years, we have been in a long-distance relationship (though I am blessed with a flexible job that allows me to travel up to Boston to see him almost every other weekend).

Things went well during that time. I am now going back to school for my master’s degree, and despite applying to all the programs in Boston that would give me the career lift I required, I was unable to get into one. I did, however, choose the program that would give me the closest access to Boston for the benefit of our relationship. We had talked about getting engaged about six months ago and it was pretty serious. I would finish my master’s and move back to Boston in 18 months. We went on vacation together recently. We had some disagreements over what activities to do, but nothing serious that I felt undermined our good relationship. Our busy schedule — traveling for vacation, meeting with friends when I visit — did, however, put a damper on any intimacy and romance over the past two months. And maybe he felt that I was limiting my post-grad school career search to Boston to be with him and didn’t want to impede my geographic freedom.

He broke up with me citing that he “loves me but is not in love with me,’’ but is open to dating again if I end up in Boston after school. We spoke on the phone last night for the first time since the breakup and it felt so great. We laughed and chatted for over an hour. Sparks were flying even after all this time, and this conversation convinced me that if this relationship is at all salvageable, I want to put my whole heart into it. Here’s my question, Meredith: What is going on? Does this mean the relationship is shot or is it just a period of boredom due to lack of romance? Is it just cold feet or his fear that I’m not serious about moving back to Boston?

Brokenhearted in the Big Apple

A. You’ve listed many possible causes of this breakup, but you seem to be ignoring the one he gave you. He told you that he loves you but is not “in love’’ with you. That’s the reason. After five years, he couldn’t commit.

The awful truth is that he wants to be single. With or without the distance, what you had wasn’t enough. He shouldn’t have told you he’d be open to dating again if you lived in Boston (in 18 months?) because that’s such a big maybe. Anything is possible, but based on what he’s told you, it’s not probable.

You had sparks on the phone because you hadn’t spoken to each other in weeks. Not being in love with you doesn’t mean he can’t miss you like crazy. You say you want to put your whole heart into something that’s over. Instead, give yourself some space to heal and move on.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

You travel to Boston almost every other weekend. . . . which begs the question: how often is he traveling to see you? Since you didn’t mention it, I’m guessing it’s rare for him to make the effort. Which in turn speaks volumes about how invested he is in this relationship.MMNNEE

If after five committed years, talk of an engagement, serious considerations about grad school relocations to be near each other, and he decides to call it all off, then he’s mentally checked out. This will hurt, but I would move on and not chase him. Trying to convince someone to love you is pointless. Really sorry.

FINNOKEY

Meredith pretty much nails it today. The “not in love with you’’ thing is pretty hard to overlook.

NOTMOVAEITHER

So, how do you think he feels once this burden of telling you this is lifted from his shoulders? He feels relieved, perhaps even great. And so, with this great weight lifted off his shoulders he is able to connect to you in a way he hasn’t been able to in ages. Unfortunately, this happy moment is unsustainable since it is based on the relief he his feeling now that he has ended the relationship with you. You can’t continually break up with someone, can you?TWO-SHEDS

“After five years, he couldn’t commit.’’ He couldn’t commit?

SUREGONNAKNOWWEWEREHERE

SHE created the scenario where he was essentially single for 11 out of every 14 days, so he eventually took to the idea. It’s her mess, she made it, and now she doesn’t like it.

NOTSOFRESHPRINCE

Don’t get too carried away with a great phone call . . . those can go on for years (trust me) and not mean anything. You said yourself . . . looking back, the relationship had problems — you don’t need a blowout fight to end a relationship — some end just because it’s time to end.

BOSTONSWEETS21

“Minor disagreements about activities . . .’’ You saw them as minor, because he was keeping his mouth shut. Been there, done that.

JUSTBUBBLES

“But is open to dating again if I end up in Boston after school.’’ OK, how much did you have to twist his arm to say this?

ELLEEM

Since both of you seem to be acting separately in your own interests, I guess the relationship really wasn’t that great.

LEGALLYLIZ

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.