Q.Am I being silly or should I be seriously concerned about my wife’s relationship with her female co-worker? Background and full disclosure: My wife and I have been married for 30 years, and like a lot of marriages, we have had our share of ups and downs, most recently down in the last three months. I have been angry and distant with her over some serious financial issues that she has caused. Suffice it to say, we have been arguing a lot. Enter co-worker and friend, a single divorced woman our age. My wife has known her for a few years; they used to work together in a different company. Now my wife has helped “Kathy’’ get a job at her new company, and they have become what my wife calls “close friends.’’ I respect the whole female bonding thing, and I admit I have not been great to her lately, but my radar has been on alert.

Here are a few data points — you tell me if I should be concerned: Kathy and my wife text and call each other multiple times each day. They regularly go out for drinks for “girls nights out.’’ My wife has a job where she meets with clients, and legitimately has to work unusual hours, but recently she’s been coming home late a lot. My wife invited her to dinner at our house without telling me in advance. My wife has invited her to meet family members. Kathy gave my wife jewelry and a birthday card that was signed “Love Always.’’ Kathy texted my wife a happy birthday, calling her a cutesy pet name. No smoking gun, but lots of circumstantial evidence. I need to know: Is it just close friends or something else? I know the simple answer is to ask my wife if they are having an emotional or physical relationship, but if my gut feeling turns out to be wrong, I’m certain I will further damage our relationship, and I don’t want to do that. On the other hand, if my gut is right, I feel the need to confront the issue head-on, and determine if we can even have a relationship going forward. Suggestions?

More than friends?

A.I don’t know what’s up with Kathy. I won’t try to guess.

I will say that sometimes I call my close, platonic friends a few times a day, and that on occasion, I have referred to them by special nicknames. I like buying them little presents. Just a few weeks ago I got my friend cupcakes with pictures of her cat on them. It was a “Love Always’’ kind of night.

The only thing I know for sure about your situation is that you and your wife have had three long months on the outs. The rut is bad enough to make you doubt your whole relationship. With or without Kathy, you have to address the thing that caused this change.

Instead of getting jealous, ask your wife to go to therapy. Tell her you want to make sure you’ve recovered from the financial stuff, and that you’d like to learn how to communicate with more compassion and understanding.

Keep Kathy out of it for now. Really, it’s all about you and your wife.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

I don’t think you can separate the issue of your wife’s new BFF from the issue of how you’ve been treating her since she caused the serious financial problem. You’ve been angry and distant. How long are you going to keep that up? If you don’t find a way to get over it and stop punishing her then she will look for emotional support elsewhere, maybe even physical support, too. As for the new BFF, do you think they would have gotten so close if your wife wasn’t getting the “angry and distant’’ coldness at home?

CHICKENLITTLETHETHIRD

She’s looking for companionship and she’s not getting it from you. Even if they’re not having an affair, she probably prefers this woman to you right now. Either step up your game or bow out. Your choice.

FLORIDACYNIC

I think you, like others, is overlooking the fact she caused the financial problems. The fact they have been arguing for three months indicates she is not willing to take responsibility for her actions. VANLH

Pick yourself up and talk to your wife about those real issues — and Kathy’s not one of them. Stop sulking and punishing her. You’re ultimately punishing yourself even worse.

BLISTERED-TOE

Instead of going to therapy, if the financial problems are that serious maybe you should go see a financial advisor instead. BERIGHTTHERE

Not one of the things you mentioned would indicate to me that your wife is having an affair with the woman. Has she ever said she was interested in trying sex with women or has she done it in the past? The problem is that the friend has taken your place as the primary emotional support person. You might have become the guy she argues with and dreads going home to. She might even be considering divorce. So work on getting your relationship back on track.

LEGALLYLIZ

If I had to guess it sounds like the two of them are out looking for guys together. CHARMING-SEAN

Who wants to go home each night to an angry and distant partner? I’d spend more time away from home, too. JACQUISMITH

I talk to my close friends a million times a day. Why don’t you work on fixing the underlying issues and get over being distant. If you guys are working through some stuff, focus on that, not Kathy the Red Herring. SUREGONNAKNOWWEWEREHERE

You have been married for 30 years and you still don’t seem to know a lot about women and their friendships, do you? Your wife and her friend/co-worker seem like very close friends to me. The way you put things like “close friends’’ and “girls night out’’ in quotes displays that you have already jumped to a conclusion based on some fairly innocuous pieces of circumstantial evidence. Never mind the underlying suggestion that it may have been your treatment of your wife that might have caused her to seek comfort in the arms of a woman.

ALMIGHTY-ZEESUS

If little bday gifts, signing a card “love,’’ girls nights out, lots of texting, & dinners at my house with girl friends makes me a lesbian . . . I guess I’m a lesbian. BOSTONSWEETS21

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