Q. Last year I met a man after a past disastrous relationship. I fell for him very quickly and the feeling was mutual. We talked about marriage and babies and he promised me the world. He’s 41 and has never been married, but has had long-term relationships. His last one was open, and he encouraged me to sleep with other people if I wanted to, which I didn’t.

All of a sudden, a few months ago, he decided that he’s too old for children. After much soul-searching I decided that children weren’t important to me and I told him I still wanted marriage. He had a depressive episode over the summer and told me that he needed space, which I gave him. Then he admitted that he cheated on me. Eventually he told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me but that he wasn’t ready to give up an open relationship, although he wanted to commit to me.

I agreed to try being open because I didn’t want to lose him. For the last few months we have sought out other partners, both individually and together, and the experience has bought us closer emotionally — but we are not having sex together. I feel like it has become the elephant in the room, and when I try to discuss it he shuts down and says that all relationships go through these periods. I’ve told him that I need more of “us’’ — that sex with him is important to me and that we need to spend more quality time together.

He can still be affectionate with me — we kiss and cuddle and he tells me he loves me and that he’s made future plans with me — but then it feels like he pushes me away. Sometimes I feel like we’re friends. I don’t know how to broach the subject with him anymore because he shuts down. Am I fighting a losing battle? How do we get out of this rut that we are in?

Getting out of the rut

A. It’s understandable that you want to save this relationship — or bring it back to where it was when you first met. But that’s not possible. This guy wants more and more space, and his version of an open relationship is to be with people who are not you. That’s not the arrangement you’re looking for.

Talking about the future is nice, but you guys need to focus on what’s happening right now. Ask him why he desires commitment, and what he wants from your relationship in the present. If he can’t live up to all the talk and promises, you can’t stick around.

You mention the “past disastrous relationship’’ and how you fell for this man “very quickly.’’ That makes me think you could also use some space — just to consider what you really want from a partnership. You’ve done a lot of compromising to make life easier for this man (you’ve reconsidered kids, adjusted to being open, etc.); I just wonder what you’d want and how you’d set your priorities if you weren’t trying to save something so fragile.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

So in one short year you’ve compromised your position on having kids and being in an exclusive relationship. How long before you compromise everything else that matters to you?

MCDIMMERSON

Nope, nope, nope. This is not a good relationship for you. Stop turning yourself into a pretzel to make him happy. From what you’ve told us it’s all about you making concessions for him, and he’s doing nothing for you. Move on. And maybe get some therapy to learn what a healthy relationship is and why you keep attaching yourself to men who aren’t good for you.

TWOCENTDONATION

Having nice moments and cuddling but putting more energy into other people does not make for a solid committed relationship.

BKLYNMOM

Instead of trying to support him in his shortcomings, you should be supporting yourself. If you take care of yourself first, you’ll be amazed at how attractive that is to emotionally/sexually dependable and stable men.

BIGSIGH

Get out of the relationship, and you’re out of the rut. EASTIEONE

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.